A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
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All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.