My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁