“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.