After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
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[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *