Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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“i am a sweet baby”
A wise man once said nothing.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes