me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!