My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
how to have fun when you’re poor
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
SF is the wild wild west man
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”