At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
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Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.