spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
You Might Also Like
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room