TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
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Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police