Never forget.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Ooh I do like a good funnel
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.