My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I hope they boil the right one.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games