Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
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My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”