Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
You Might Also Like
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
live long and prosper!
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Everyone’s family
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs