applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.