[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”