Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You Might Also Like
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
ready to be harvested
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here