For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.