Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Nose
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
no such thing as a dumb question
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
This took me a second..
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
New tinder profile pic
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.