I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag