Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Brother?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.