an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
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A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Sorry not sorry.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty