dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Van Gone
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
never ask a starfish for directions
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”