[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You Might Also Like
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”