God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it