Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
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You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
bias laundering edition
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.