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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?