I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Investing in beetcoin
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]