50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
One venti cheeseburger please.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.