Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
You know…for fall…
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.