[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
You Might Also Like
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.