So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
You Might Also Like
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Banking tips
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
How to draw a duck
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
How your email finds me
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate