My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
guys I’m going home
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.