Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Venn
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes