I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
*limbos away from your hug*
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.