Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
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In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.