My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*