Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.