mom gave me mine for free
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart