I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
You Might Also Like
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Trying
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US