“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.