As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
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You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
christening a ship with an overripe banana