*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
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If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
tis the season
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Vodka burrito was a success
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.