Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
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My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I forgot how to panic. Help
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans: