My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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the way this pissed me off… 😭
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.