“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
the composer
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”