Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Basically.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance