All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know