My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Tony Hawk, age 6
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.