Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
estão todos miauvindo?
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring